I'm jobless. I'm penniless .I'm so close to homelessness (again). I'm hurting again. I'm crying, again. I'm scared, again. I wish it could all just stop!!!!!!
I want more but I cant seem to hold on to the good. I constantly speak into the air hoping that my heart's desires are someday made real. I know I cant give up because I have four that depend solely on me.
I’m jobless. I’m penniless .I’m so close to homelessness (again). I’m hurting again. I’m crying, again. I’m scared, again. I wish it could all just stop!!!!!!
I want more but I cant seem to hold on to the good. I constantly speak into the air hoping that my heart’s desires are someday made real. I know I cant give up because I have four that depend solely on me. I’m far from perfect but I try to be. I keep to myself as to not burden others with my shame. I don’t speak out of turn, not because I lack the knowledge, but because you may find out my secrets. Ive been kicked down, double-crossed, beaten, lied to, lied on, talked about, yelled at and so much more. I can no longer fight back and it seems everyone knows this. My son just celebrated his 13th birthday and the only thing I could afford to give him was a ticket to a movie that I got by test driving a new car. This is my existence. This is my life. I don’t complain. I accept it because something higher has destined it so. I am not a religious person but I try to stay aloft every religion I can. I have faith. I have my four. I have simple dreams nothing too fancy you see. Ive never had much so I don’t think much is owed to me. I would love to become a nurse and from there a Midwife. I would love to clear all my debts and someday buy something expensive. No not a pair of shoes, though I window shop like I was a professional stylist to the stars in another life! Id prefer something most meaningful. Something that I could always reflect on and think, ”I remember when I”… If I could just get ahead of the racers that don’t run faster, but cheat! I am so tired. I must run this race, this same path, this same set of hills…. AGAIN? But why, I came in second last time. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why cant I ask why? Why? Why am I still running? Why do you wish I begin to “fight”? ………. I know, I know…. I’m never supposed to question the Higher Being. I just try so hard only to end up here again. I’m just a little worn. Maybe my 50-a-day job application/search diet will redirect my energy in the a.m. As for my four? Another bowl of rice. I know…. there are people elsewhere doing so much worse……. Point taken. Yet, I cry…..again.
I wake up with a smile on my face. I sit at the window and enjoy my tea. Nature has so many wonders yet to show me. I make my rounds, from room to room. I kiss them all. My littlest ones, then my groom. I stand in the kitchen and let my hands make the day. I cant take credit, they just move that way.
The house is empty. All my chores have been done. I stand in the foyer and take a deep breath…… Sometimes I’m still.
No doubt, quite a few more season’d writers will critique my style of scribe’n!!! It’s fine. I honestly welcome ALL forms of discipline. It can only be accept’d if I so choose. Thanks for the warm welcome and I hope this is just the begin’n of something wonderful. (Pretty)